Happy Weekend.

Patience & Understanding.

My eyes have been opened to many things through the experience of losing my brother. The good things, and unfortunately the bad as well. One of those not so good things? My selfishness. It's funny how it can consume you without you even knowing it. Everything is about me, me, me. Oh wait, no it's not. It's not about me at all. It never has been.  And these things I've been so worried about. These things that have kept me up at night...they don't matter at all. In fact, WHO CARES?! 

Tonight I'm thinking about how things might have been different if I had been different. Less consumed with me and more engaged with others. Especially him. Maybe if I had encouraged him, had told him all the wonderful things about him. All that he had going for him, that even though he wasn't perfect and had messed up-a lot, that he was still my hero. And when he gave me the slightest bit of praise, or even engaged in a conversation with just me, that my heart leapt at the idea of being important to my big brother. 

It's hard sometimes to believe that he'll never be here on this earth again. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare that won't end. And if I could just pinch myself awake that I would hear him walk through the door again. Hear him making himself a sandwich in the kitchen, laughing and playing with my niece, even fighting with my sister. I find myself thinking, this is real, he's gone, he's not coming back, there's no reverse button. Then comes my next thought, how am I going to live the rest of my life without him? 

He was supposed to be here. For all the things that siblings must endure together in this life. We're supposed to be standing on this battle line together. Comrades for all of time. Experiencing the happiness and the sadness. Picking each other up when things get bad. Things were bad for him. I should have picked him up. Instead I was worried about me and why God wasn't giving me the things I wanted. 

Thank you, Jesus, for your grace. I thank you that I will see him again one day, in your beautiful presence. Give me patience and understanding until that day. 

Katelyn & Reynold's Wedding

Katelyn and Reynold's Wedding Day was a blast. From Katelyn's jaw-dropping dress (that she got from Goodwill..I know.) to the unique details that filled their reception hall, everything was beautiful. I'm going to keep it simple and get to the good stuff; the photos!! OH!! I almost forgot. Special thanks goes out to Stephanie Cottle for second shooting for me, and doing a wonderful job, at that!! You'll see some of her photos below!! Enjoy!

The first look was one of my favorite parts of the day. It doesn't get much more genuine than these two. :)

Loved when Katelyn's dad saw her for the first time!!! SO SWEET!

The ring-bearer and flower-girl were having a bit of trouble concentrating on the ceremony. :) Thanks to Steph for this shot:

This was really cool, Katelyn and Reynolds led a parade of people from their ceremony site to their reception site.

Thanks again to Stephanie for this next beautiful series of dancing shots at the reception. And the sweet cake shot above:

Coming soon.

Katelyn & Reynold's Wedding!! :)

Adventure..

is something I always find with my best friends. One of my favorite ways to adventure is to road trip. Friday morning I leave for two weeks.

 I've been experimenting a lot with film lately and really enjoying the results. Even if they aren't necessarily technically correct, film is never disappoints me. Even with it's flaws, I love it. I took these shots when the sun had almost completely disappeared. So yes, there is a visible grain and the images are a little flat. But there is a softness running through these that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. 

Can't wait to take a break from everything for a while. Stay tuned for all the beautiful pictures from both trips.

Sweet Beach Days.

One week until I'm enjoying them. :)

Goodbye to my sweet brother.

On May 27th my brother took his life.

I'm still getting used to these words myself. They don't quite feel real. Is it possible that I won't see my big brother for the whole rest of my life? Is it possible that every thought of him from here on out will be just that? A thought. A moment of memory. That all my moments with him are in the past? 

1989, 1991

Death seems different. It used to be more of a fleeting thought that was easily pushed aside to make room for more real things. It's real now, and it will be a part of me forever. 

I can't quite see to the other side of this horrible tragedy. Right now I wonder if there even is one.  Will there ever again be a moment of "okay"? If so, do I want to be there? Being "okay" with everything almost seems like betrayal. Like I'm forgetting him or essentially saying that he didn't matter. 

His funeral was really a time of healing for me. My mother wrote a letter to him and read it that night.  She is truly the bravest woman I know. Her tribute to him was perfect. A letter that embodied my brother. It was full of life, humor, and the anguish of a mother who has lost. My dad also read a poem that broke the hearts of all who were present. My family and I were floored when 300 people showed up and could hardly fit in the small church we chose to have it. It seems he touched more people's lives than we could have ever known. I made a slideshow of his short life:

"He was supposed to get better." Is all my thoughts can really manage every time I think of the situation. My heart breaks for all the things we will never experience together. I will never see him get married or have kids, or get to play with his kids. He will never be "Uncle Noah" to mine. The anger has passed and replaced itself with a feeling of hurt. It's as if I've been stolen from, and there's no justice.  

So here's the hard part. Moving forward. Not sure I can even process this thought yet. Nothing but time, time, time...

..and Jesus. I don't know why this happened, but I'm trusting my savior. I feel Him holding me in His arms and wiping my tears. And I know He is taking care of my big brother. In fact I had a dream the other night that I was standing in the window of one of our old houses. My hands were on the glass. There outside was my brother. He was around 7 years old, and when he saw me he ran to the window and put his hands on the pane so that they mirrored mine. The glass of a window has never seemed thicker to me. "Do you know me? Do you remember me?? I'm your little sister!!" I cried. He slowly smiled and nodded his eyes locked with mine. Then he ran off in the other direction to join the other people in the yard. I saw my Grandfather (who passed in 1997) out there and people I can only assume were family members I've never known. It was healing.

 I heard this song the other day and I thought it summed up how I feel perfectly. 

2004

So I hope you don't mind me sharing. I will probably write more about this in the future, sharing how I'm dealing. This is me, raw and naked for everyone to see. It's definitely scary but I don't want to be just another blog with pictures on it. The reason for this blog is for me to share with you who I am, not who I pretend to be. That's the only way my photography can be real. 

"Learn that people photography is about people, not about photography. Great portraits are a side effect of a strong human connection." -Cheryl Jacobs Nicolai