On May 27th my brother took his life.
I'm still getting used to these words myself. They don't quite feel real. Is it possible that I won't see my big brother for the whole rest of my life? Is it possible that every thought of him from here on out will be just that? A thought. A moment of memory. That all my moments with him are in the past?
1989, 1991
Death seems different. It used to be more of a fleeting thought that was easily pushed aside to make room for more real things. It's real now, and it will be a part of me forever.
I can't quite see to the other side of this horrible tragedy. Right now I wonder if there even is one. Will there ever again be a moment of "okay"? If so, do I want to be there? Being "okay" with everything almost seems like betrayal. Like I'm forgetting him or essentially saying that he didn't matter.
His funeral was really a time of healing for me. My mother wrote a letter to him and read it that night. She is truly the bravest woman I know. Her tribute to him was perfect. A letter that embodied my brother. It was full of life, humor, and the anguish of a mother who has lost. My dad also read a poem that broke the hearts of all who were present. My family and I were floored when 300 people showed up and could hardly fit in the small church we chose to have it. It seems he touched more people's lives than we could have ever known. I made a slideshow of his short life:
"He was supposed to get better." Is all my thoughts can really manage every time I think of the situation. My heart breaks for all the things we will never experience together. I will never see him get married or have kids, or get to play with his kids. He will never be "Uncle Noah" to mine. The anger has passed and replaced itself with a feeling of hurt. It's as if I've been stolen from, and there's no justice.
So here's the hard part. Moving forward. Not sure I can even process this thought yet. Nothing but time, time, time...
..and Jesus. I don't know why this happened, but I'm trusting my savior. I feel Him holding me in His arms and wiping my tears. And I know He is taking care of my big brother. In fact I had a dream the other night that I was standing in the window of one of our old houses. My hands were on the glass. There outside was my brother. He was around 7 years old, and when he saw me he ran to the window and put his hands on the pane so that they mirrored mine. The glass of a window has never seemed thicker to me. "Do you know me? Do you remember me?? I'm your little sister!!" I cried. He slowly smiled and nodded his eyes locked with mine. Then he ran off in the other direction to join the other people in the yard. I saw my Grandfather (who passed in 1997) out there and people I can only assume were family members I've never known. It was healing.
I heard this song the other day and I thought it summed up how I feel perfectly.
I heard this song the other day and I thought it summed up how I feel perfectly.
2004
So I hope you don't mind me sharing. I will probably write more about this in the future, sharing how I'm dealing. This is me, raw and naked for everyone to see. It's definitely scary but I don't want to be just another blog with pictures on it. The reason for this blog is for me to share with you who I am, not who I pretend to be. That's the only way my photography can be real.
"Learn that people photography is about people, not about photography. Great portraits are a side effect of a strong human connection." -Cheryl Jacobs Nicolai
