Patience & Understanding.

My eyes have been opened to many things through the experience of losing my brother. The good things, and unfortunately the bad as well. One of those not so good things? My selfishness. It's funny how it can consume you without you even knowing it. Everything is about me, me, me. Oh wait, no it's not. It's not about me at all. It never has been.  And these things I've been so worried about. These things that have kept me up at night...they don't matter at all. In fact, WHO CARES?! 

Tonight I'm thinking about how things might have been different if I had been different. Less consumed with me and more engaged with others. Especially him. Maybe if I had encouraged him, had told him all the wonderful things about him. All that he had going for him, that even though he wasn't perfect and had messed up-a lot, that he was still my hero. And when he gave me the slightest bit of praise, or even engaged in a conversation with just me, that my heart leapt at the idea of being important to my big brother. 

It's hard sometimes to believe that he'll never be here on this earth again. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare that won't end. And if I could just pinch myself awake that I would hear him walk through the door again. Hear him making himself a sandwich in the kitchen, laughing and playing with my niece, even fighting with my sister. I find myself thinking, this is real, he's gone, he's not coming back, there's no reverse button. Then comes my next thought, how am I going to live the rest of my life without him? 

He was supposed to be here. For all the things that siblings must endure together in this life. We're supposed to be standing on this battle line together. Comrades for all of time. Experiencing the happiness and the sadness. Picking each other up when things get bad. Things were bad for him. I should have picked him up. Instead I was worried about me and why God wasn't giving me the things I wanted. 

Thank you, Jesus, for your grace. I thank you that I will see him again one day, in your beautiful presence. Give me patience and understanding until that day.